Whenever we’re in Maryland, our families insist that time passes very quickly. Not for me: every trip home seems to drag on forever. This past week has felt like an eternity. I’m glad to be going home tomorrow.

Overall, our annual holiday visit went ok. For me, the most important point was zero heated arguments or outbursts between me and my parents. On the advice of several friends, I decided to just take a break from Operation Downsize. For the last few months, I’d already been feeling like my parents were losing steam about the Taiwan Relocation anyway (plus Trump’s recent call to Taiwan pushed Taiwan/China tensions to the forefront), so why bother putting in effort when they’re just not ready.

The day after our outing to Great Falls and the National Harbor, we stayed in. I guess everyone, including myself, was drained from all the energy and effort it took to brave the cold and to battle the traffic. On Christmas Day, I drove my family to John’s eldest sister’s house. E is always so gracious, volunteering to cook and host like 25 people at her home. And she is the best cook I know– even fancier than my Bubbey. She is super serious about ingredients and recipes and such. To be honest, I think she should be a professional chef. Either way, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to cook for her and her family…

My parents were pretty good sports about showing up for E’s Christmas dinner this year. They’d turned E down the last few years, and finally, her persistence and their propensity for politeness won over. I appreciate that they made the effort: since they retired many years ago, they’ve become increasingly anti-social, so it takes a lot of effort, esp for them to socialize with non-Chinese people. But I dunno, their attendance always stresses me out a bit. I mean, the big family gatherings have always been very awkward and foreign for me (esp the gift giving part and just having SO many people hanging out for SO many hours), so to have my quiet, mild-mannered parents just compounds the awkwardness. I never have to baby them and I just let them fend for themselves, but I do have some anxiety about my mother and her conversational abilities, particularly with her suspected ADHD/dementia issues. The whole thing is just weird. Having my parents at a big holiday gathering is like having monks or Jehovah Witnesses at your celebration, you know? Like my parents just are not CHILL people: they are very strict with their diet and drinking and dessert and whatever… They’ll partake in it all, bc they don’t want to be rude, but their participation is still clearly awkward. Who knows. I’m probably just OCD hypersensitive about it. Maybe no one else noticed… Needless to say, by the time we headed home, my parents were super tired and totally conked out in the car.

This morning, I made plans to meet over breakfast with my BFF’s mom, who decided to drive up last minute to visit her friends in Frederick. Mrs. R and I go way back… her daughter N and I became friends in the 7th grade, so they’re practically the only people in the world who really know my entire history of family dysfunction. Yup, that family drama bullshit runs way back and way deep. SMH.

It was really good to see Mrs. R: I often see a lot of parallels with her style/role with her husband (now deceased) and N and my role with Bubbey and my parents and N. In so many ways, I feel like Mrs. R and I are worriers who sometimes feel overwhelmed being caretakers for people who are continually struggling with depression and health issues. I can see the frustration and exasperation on her face. We feel and think very similarly, and we are always trying to research ways to “fix things” for people we love. In the end though, more than anything, we seem to become helpless partners walking a fine line of trying to be patient and supportive even as the weight of waiting for change/action slowly crushes us.

But her strength always amazes me. At 72, she has suffered so many trials and yet, she continues to find joy through her friendships and through new travels and adventures. She was telling me how she spends a lot of time thinking about how to repair her relationship with her daughter. In the process, she had a recent epiphany where she sees so many mistakes she made as a mother. And she’s owning up to them now– quite a dramatic feat for someone who used to be so full of confidence and conviction with her words and actions (sound familiar?). I saw a noticeable difference in her today: she displayed newfound self-awareness and renewed determination to continue working on her relationships, no matter how dysfunctional or broken.

Anyway, seeing Mrs. R today just made me realize that maybe I should go back to therapy about my family. I feel like I spend so much time trying to “fix” that relationship; In the end, I never feel satisfied with our visits. I keep tweaking things here and there, but maybe I just need to stop overthinking, step back, and get the advice of an expert. Honestly, I feel like I have spent an entire lifetime trying to get this shit right.

And this trip, even though we avoided confrontations, I was def ready to throw in the towel two or three times in the last week. For example, after the casino day trip, I called J and said this is the last year I’m coming home for Christmas. J and I always end up splitting up, each staying with our respective families, so then I’m holed up with my parents most of the trip, and I mean, they aren’t celebratory! There’s really no reason for me to come home during the holidays. I can just see his family other times during the year when traffic/travel/holiday stress don’t culminate into this Perfect Storm. Like I used to explain to my hardcore hiking/backpacking friends, the holidays are just “not how my family recreates.”

It’s a hard scenario to describe, but in the end, I feel like the holidays worsen my parents’ usual funk. Like all the pressures of having to fake joy and festive moods… it’s too much. Already, my parents are kind of boring and wallowing in their misery. I think either having them come out to CA or me visiting when the temps are warmer will just work out better for everyone.

I know, I’m sure some of you are thinking I’m guilty of the same exact things that I accuse my parents of. You’re not wrong. J says that every time we visit with my parents, he really sees how I’m a milder version of all their extremes (No, I don’t take that as a compliment). What exactly is their crime? They can’t seem to relax and have fun. They can’t find joy in anything. And they always obsess over what’s wrong rather than what’s right in their lives. Add to that, the perpetual over-optimization of finances and the paralysis and hermetic lifestyle to avoid dangers of the world, and it’s just really difficult finding areas where we can connect! Seriously, why can’t they just be normal???

Maybe my commentary only highlights my own issues of self-acceptance. After all, I often ask myself, why can’t I just be normal? I dunno. The struggle is real. Thankfully though, my family is my biggest gripe. Otherwise, the other spheres of my life are consistently more good than bad. 🙂

What else. This afternoon, about seven of us went over to my in-laws’ house for another dumpster purge. It was pretty intense: about 5-6 hours wading through a house packed with 50 years of accumulated shit. As I filled bag after bag with dirty, dusty, dingy clothes/artificial flowers/bedding/blankets, I started feeling super stressed by the sheer volume of the job. Meanwhile, the whole time, J and his three other siblings continued to display patience and compassion as their mother insisted on giving her stamp of approval for each clothing item or pair of shoes…

For sure, I would NOT have asked my mother: instead, I would have trashed everything like a goddamn dictator. And if my mother were to get upset, I would only respond with anger and contempt. See? I’m a horrible daughter. It’s shameful that unlike every other person today, I am unable to treat my parents with more respect and kindness. Sigh. I really don’t know what I’m going to do when the rubber hits the road and my parents truly have to clear out their massive house.

Meanwhile, the job at my in-laws’ house is not even near done. We filled a second monster dumpster (the first one was last Christmas), and we made significant progress. But there is still A LOT of stuff left. We are all resting up before considering the next steps.

I’m just glad to be going home tomorrow. So pooped.