An interesting thing happened the other day: after my neighbors L and S had us over for their small gathering, I was on the neighborhood social media site searching for the hosts’ email address. Have you been on NextDoor before? It’s kind of like FB but for your ‘hood. Anyway, I went to the Neighbors tab, where all the people who joined NextDoor in my area are listed alphabetically. I came across a name from my childhood: AB. Huh? I actually had a crush on this guy in middle school. His dad was my pediatrician. I thought, hmmm, could it be the same dude? I did a quick search on LinkedIn, and sure enough, this is the guy! Isn’t that crazy? From the same home town, same class even, to all the way across the country, two streets down. Pretty fricking coincidental.

So wth, I emailed him via NextDoor. The next day, he replied and we’re going to meet up in the new year after J and I get back from Frederick. Then I was telling my dad, bc he knows AB’s dad. And I mean, I suppose it’s not THAT surprising that the Bay Area attracts people from all over: dad has two friends whose daughters are also out here– one in SF and one in San Mateo. Anyway, it was kind of a cool thing. I’m trying to be confident and adult about it too, you know? Like the last time I saw AB, we were 18, just graduated from high school and ready for college. And as I’ve mentioned before, I wasn’t exactly the coolest. It’s one of those things, similar to like visiting my parents… I feel like I have to make a conscious effort not to fall into that box of who I used to be. I know, already I’m overthinking it. Welcome to my life.

In other news, my mother pissed me the fuck off yesterday. She made some comment about how Hillary’s behind the whole assertion that the Russians rigged the elections. That she’s being a sore loser. And OMFG, it became clear to me that she supported Trump. I corrected her, saying that there were multiple federal agencies that made the claim… and Jesus Christ, are you seriously ragging on Hillary when the person you support is a clear racist (and you are an immigrant!), misogynist, totally SKETCHY conman with minimal integrity? Puhleeze. Why must she always instigate me in this way? J even thinks my dad voted for Trump bc of the damn taxes. And then I totally lost it. I got off the phone and was FUMING. Seriously, this Trump dude could be your daughter’s boss, harassing her at work, and you’re going to vote for him bc of fucking taxes? I will concede that mom likely voted for Trump bc she’s a woman hater… one of those backstabbing, catty women. My dad? I am not sure but fuck, I hope to God his decisions are NOT solely about money. Ugh. Then J gets on my case, like why are you trying to control other people’s decisions? They are free to choose. Yes, they are but not with this. They supported Bush and Reagan and Bush again. I got over that. But Trump? It is unacceptable. But J just keeps saying it wouldn’t have made a difference and again, I need to work on how I react to shit. Why is it that among all the people I know, I am the ONLY one who is constantly having to control the way I respond to other people. Why aren’t other people controlling their dumbassery so as to not provoke me? Yeah, so clearly my “positive thinking” vow lasted all of like 24 hours.

Meanwhile, every day I am struggling more and more with the Martin decision. Do we leave him in this weakened state where he will possibly lose all mobility under the care of a stranger? Do we euthanize him before he gets to full paralysis. I just don’t know, and I’m so torn about it. He doesn’t seem to be in pain but he’s a dog. Dogs like to walk and smell new scents. Is he still having good quality of life? Would leaving him in the care of another be more for us than for him? I just can’t decide. I feel like he enjoys the company of all people… he has no fears with strangers. But the sitter works full time… argh. His eating and kidneys are stable again but those legs… J did his own WebMD research and thinks Martin has DM, some degenerative spinal condition that has no treatment. Just this morning, we made it to the park but he wasn’t strong enough to wander around like he used to. We just got there and came back. On the way back, a bicyclist slowed down and said, “He sure walks slow for a dog.” Yeah, he’s almost 17, I replied. “Oh, he looks really good for 17.”

Emotionally, I am also trying to control my feelings of anger and resentment. Like I know my parents are going to piss me off and the trip is going to frustrate me to no end. Honestly, I don’t even want to go. And if something happens to Martin while I am gone, there is the potential for some major rage and blame issues. I am trying to be adult about it all, but I’m just saying: my family really does bring out the worst in me and if my mental state is compromised and then I have to deal with bad news about Marty, things could get very ugly. Today I’m feeling again like I’m just not made for this world. Sigh. Where is that positive thinking I was just talking about?