Holy crap, I have been schmoozing like crazy. To be honest, its a rather disappointing and oftentimes deflating experience. I have lists upon lists, categorizing my contacts into different spheres of influence, and I am reconnecting with my circles slowly but methodically. What exactly does this entail?

The thing is, it’s not my style to just send out generic group eblasts, so I’m writing people individually, one by one. Sure, there are some sentences that are copied, like telling people about my new job/career, but most of the messages are catered to what I recall about the recipient and where we last left off. It is a time-ass consuming process.

Recently, one of my big target groups was ProMatch, the networking group I joined before my job at the university. This was a huge network of job seekers meeting multiple times a week for several months to hone job search skills and to brainstorm about professional development. At the time, I did everything I could to help people in the group, esp with connections to various industries or companies. For example, I put engineers in touch with my fuel cell startup colleagues or my engineering friends;  I put environmental people in touch with my hazwaste and environmental engineering crowd. I offered my help willingly bc I believed in this system, so I took the time to first reach out to my contact, ask for his/her permission to connect, and then connect the two people. In Malcolm Gladwell’s world, I’m most naturally a “maven” (researcher) but I worked hard to be a “connector.” And it was difficult for me, bc as an ESTJ, I don’t like to delegate nor ask for help, you know? But that was the process we were taught, and I followed the business/job experts faithfully.

Indeed, ProMatch was an eye-opening experience. I had so many ignored messages but at the same time, I also met some incredibly kind, generous, and gracious people. So I continued to pay things forward by embracing this idea of sharing and helping: I took calls from strangers wanting to learn more about SCU; I met friends of ProMatchers for coffee; I shared website advice, blah, blah. Now, it’s been about 2-3 years since. I lost touch with some ProMatchers, but others, I stayed loosely in contact. So I sent them all an email, seeing what they are up to (I’m genuinely nosy that way), how their current job is going, wondering if they are interested in a ProMatch meetup in 2017. At least six of them, whom I directly introduced to my network and/or met for coffee, have yet to reply. So now I’m a little irked. I mean, really? I understand that relationships are not even Steven trading all the time, but I did go out on a limb to help these people, and now there’s zero reciprocity. J claims that it’s a busy time of year or whatever. Look people: I know you’re busy, but it’s email. It takes a few minutes (if even) to throw the stone farther down the road: I’m really busy but thanks for reaching out. Happy to touch base later… Am I right???

So of course, this is where I have to “control my reaction” bc I “can’t control how other people will respond,” as J always tells me. I swear, I try not to take such things personally. After all, I’m not on top of everything all the time either, right? But shit, I still get frustrated. I hear little voices from J and from my coach telling me that most people have zero follow-through. They aren’t intentionally trying to thwart me. But fuck man. I’m an ESTJ: it’s nearly impossible not to clump all of those explanations into the excuses pile. Do you see the mental conflict? Welcome to my overthinking world.

After a few moments of feeling sorry for myself, I eventually pick up again, reminding myself that relationships are a numbers game. You click with loads of people in this world, but then only a subset will put in the effort to keep the volley going. If people suck at follow through with friends, the stats are surely worse with mere acquaintances!

All of this dredges up shit from my childhood. I was so scrawny and I was practically the only Asian. I went through rejection and bullying and being a social outcast A LOT. I know the drill. But I think it’s still human nature to seek acceptance by others. Even as an adult who exercises much more control over thoughts/actions than a child, there is still some innate desire to be popular and well-liked. At 40, I give less fucks about what other people think, etc… but less fucks is still not zero fucks, you know?

Ah well, the bottom line? I won’t be stopped. People can ignore me and disappoint me. What I’ve given, I’ve already committed. When I’m feeling more optimistic, I may try again in spite of the zippo response. Regardless though, this won’t stop me from exchanging and reaching out to others. Bubs calls me a tugboat for a reason.