Today was a very emotionally draining day. Martin has progressively gotten weaker: his hind legs are giving out more often causing him to stumble or fall over, mentally he’s becoming more and more confused, and then today he puked three times even after I gave him his subcutaneous injection. Normally, the subq makes him feel loads better and it brings out his appetite. But I suppose the way kidney disease works, the body eventually just can’t process protein and even with the additional fluids flushing out the system, it’s not enough. In late afternoon, John and I started getting ready for a friend’s holiday party in SF. Right as we were about to go, that’s when he puked three times in a row. And then Martin was super weak. I decided to stay home with him, and then I proceeded to cry my eyes out as he slept. In the last few weeks, a few people have asked me when I’m going to make the decision. Perhaps that was their subtle way of telling me they think it’s time? This whole while I’ve been feeling tired and ready for this to be over, and yet once it really felt imminent, I pretty much lost it. And I realized that I will never ever be ready, no matter how exhausted I feel from the caretaking. John says we’ll see how tomorrow goes, but today he was def out of sorts, although there are still moments when he tracks me, watching and following me around the house. I’m feeling esp stressed with the upcoming holidays. Personally, I hate the holidays: it’s just too much family time and now I worry about leaving Martin in his state. It’s just a lot of mental stress.

I know all the angles: we gave him a great life, a very long life… but still. Argh, it really is the hardest part of pet ownership. Oh god, just thinking about the process and how difficult it was with Remy, lying there in the exam room… the heartbreak is unbearable, no matter how much I try to rationalize or explain or self soothe.

I have a busy week ahead for work. I feel behind, now being four weeks in. Last week, I attended some association meetings and shit, there are so many economic/political/global trends to follow. Like with Trump, what are the implications should his tax plans go through, i.e., changes to income tax, capital gains, tax deductions, repeal of the estate tax, changes in interest rates… fuck man, all those metrics that my father tracks, I will now have to know for my work. I’m ok with learning it all and with gaining a better understanding of how all of this is interconnected but it’s still overwhelming. 

Meanwhile, I’ve been reaching out to a lot of people from my past, and some people have responded promptly, others who knows if they will even reply. One friend is actually looking to buy a house right now, but they just signed on with another agent. I know it’s a slow process of building the pipeline, but already I’m worried (bc I’m impatient).

I had lunch with my friend J the other day. She’s the sassy older lady who’s always doing something fun. Yup, she is headed to Mexico with her daughter’s family for Christmas. She was very encouraging about my career in real estate. Maybe she’ll know people. I told her about that Linkages time bank program, and she was thrilled by the idea.

Yesterday afternoon John and I went to the Santa Clara County historic homes tour… a wonderful idea but a little rough in its execution. Of course, I enjoy touring homes. That said, I’ve never really been a fan of old things. You know how some people, like my MIL, really cherish the quality and the craftsmanship of things from the past. So this tour was all about retaining original features and showcasing pieces and artifacts from way long ago. It looked pretty cool and I appreciated that the homeowners share that passion, but for John and me, we’re much more of the looks good but is cheap and replaceable mentally. I know, totally not environmental but I guess I feel like you have to be too careful around old antiquey things. Anyway, it’s interesting to see the lengths people go to in order to preserve and restore the old. The best thing about the tour: I visited the home of a former coworker and it was an absolutely adorable and charming California bungalow. We caught up for a while and it was so nice reconnecting. Her kid, who was 2 when I last saw him, is now 5!! I enjoyed touring their home. John commented that I always feel happy when I see my friends, family, and acquaintances living comfortably. I guess that’s really true. I mean, the world can be a tough and unforgiving place, so seeing people I know doing well gives me great comfort.

Anyway, I’m suddenly very tired. My face is swollen from all the crying about Marty. Going to hit the sack early and try to start fresh tomorrow.