Fuck man, I had a feeling the Johnny conversation was on the verge of rearing its godawful, ugly-ass head. Boy was my intuition spot. on. Let’s set up the scene for this latest Perfect Storm.

Yesterday, I had another sleepless night: In addition to last minute logistical delays with the Walkersville townhouse transaction, I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the conversations and drama that had occurred that day in the car. I had to get it all out. Needless to say, I had a lot on my mind, and I was already approaching a very high sensitivity level with my parents.

So today (Friday), we got up early bc my aunt and cousin in Tainan got us tickets for an origami exhibit. My mother had mentioned it the first day I got back, and I happened to see the banner ad for it in the train station, so I made arrangements with my cousin to set it all up. John drove us up. It was a lovely, well-done museum, with a combo of natural history, sculpture, history, and the origami show. It was a pretty good day despite the high temps and totally suffocating humidity. We hit up the exhibits, grabbed a tasty Thai lunch, and then drove home.

Intermittently throughout the day, my mother kept trying to call my brother to ask him about attending the family lunch tomorrow. He never answered her calls, so thinking this was a technical glitch or something, she asked me to call. I refused and just showed her how to call again using her phone. It’s not a technical problem, mom. He is just NOT ANSWERING your calls. As usual. Duh.

After we get home, she asks me about ride logistics, bc there are a lot of people going tomorrow. I tell her I’m contacting my cousin who lives down the street from my parents to hitch a ride, bc my parents can only fit themselves and the grandparents in their one car. Since my parents have the bigger car, I figure, John and I will sit in my cousin’s smaller Toyota Tercel. Long story short, she reveals that Johnny is supposed to come down tomorrow and he’ll also need a ride to Donggang, where the restaurant is. So my mom suggests that the caretaker stay home. I think it’s super rude to exclude the caretaker, bc it’s also her one chance to leave the house and to meet up with the other caretaker… Then, my mom launches into a huge thing about how I’m more compassionate to outsiders than to my own brother. Are you for real? What the hell is wrong with you?

Within a matter of seconds, full blown war erupts, with John sitting in the bed next to me and my mother standing in front of me yelling back and forth. I tell her that there is enough room for everyone, including my brother, with the two cars. She keeps going back to me wanting to include the caretaker for an event that has nothing to do with her… I’m like, look. You need transport. We have enough space for everyone to go. Then she’s like, “I thought you said the cousin’s car is too small.” (Do you see how she just needles?) I have to explain to her a gabillion times, finally even drawing her a goddamn picture, to show that the cousin’s car IS smaller but we can still squeeze all the passengers. Then she goes off about how I’m mistreating my brother: he is trying to befriend me and I’m so mean and I won’t even go visit him in Taipei.

Um, hello: news flash. I don’t spend time and money every year to visit my lame-ass, selfish, irresponsible brother, ok? The trip is not for him. Second, if he’s trying to befriend me, why have I not received a single email or text or call from him on this trip?

At this point, I have totally lost it and I’m like getting more and more agitated when she brings up the car transport thing again. Then she starts preaching about family. What, you mean the family that you keep complaining about (my dad’s relatives), who also happen to be the ones helping to take care of your own parents when you are back in the States???

And yes, about the cars (again): there is enough room for everyone. I tell her she is fucking mental and needs to go get checked. Then she angrily starts yelling at me and gets closer, “What kind of attitude is this that you have? You don’t need to embarrass Johnny in front of other people and make him lose face in front of the family.” I then counter-escalate with even more rage. I am so fucking angry, my body is quaking and I’m like ready for a fist fight throw down. For reals. NO ONE on this planet enrages me more than my mother.

Oh hell no, you are NOT going to blame ME for damaging his reputation. He does that well enough on his own. I mean, I don’t even know why we are having this conversation. Homeboy lives in Taiwan. He can find his own fucking way to the restaurant. Why does he even need to hitch a ride? Then she keeps asking me if my cousin is going to take us. I don’t know yet: she has not yet replied to my texts. Jesus fucking Christ. She’s all over the godddamn map. ARGH!!!!

John grabs my hand and just starts squeezing it. Anyway, the yelling continues back and forth. I will never be his friend. She says I should be more than his friend. No, I shouldn’t. And for someone who doesn’t even communicate with her own brother, fuck off.

I have no idea what anyone else was doing while all this shit was going down. I think the caretaker was giving my grandfather a massage; my grandmother and father were both sleeping. I dunno. I tell mom that anytime Johnny contacts me, it’s to recruit me for his stupid cult. She replies, so what if you attend his event and go to show support. So what???

OMG, I hate her! Hello, this trip is NOT for him. Why the hell would I waste my personal time to be bullied by strangers and religious fanatics? Also, why should I go up to Taipei to visit him? I have flown halfway across the world. He can fucking take the train and visit the family down south. She makes me so out-of-my-mind angry. You are the parent. Parent however way you like, but you don’t get to tell me how to be his sister.

As it turns out, the cousin has already left town, so she can’t even give us a ride. And my mom had hinted that Johnny usually runs late. See? Entitled as fuck. Everyone is supposed to bend over backwards to accommodate him, to help and serve him. Fuck you. He can hitch his own taxi to the restaurant.

After she leaves my room, I just sit there stewing. So fricking angry. And then the tears come. Why does she pull this bullshit every damn time? I hate her. This changes everything. Fuck it, I can’t live with them. They are going to have to figure out where they want to go when they are old. I cannot handle being in her proximity.

Afterwards, John and I go for a walk. What the hell does she want from me? He says my parents want me to take over their role with him… Not gonna happen. You chose to be parents. I didn’t. So what’s the resolution? J says I just have to make it through the remaining days here. My parents and I will never agree about my brother, bc we have two very different value systems. All parties recognize that, so there is no point in discussing it any further. Neither side will ever convince the other. He says to just say, “I’ll think about it.” That’ll prevent escalation and defer the topic until next time. Given my history with my parents, can this even be done?

Admittedly, part of the problem is that, like my father, I have my reasons for my positions and I like to defend them. I also like to squeeze in the very last word. That is how I grew up. Learned behavior. Obviously, this strategy doesn’t work so well, but the new tactic entails swallowing my pride, letting them say what they want to say, and letting it wash over. Yup, this sounds like a completely impossible task for me. I guess I’ll try it though over the next few days.

Honestly, I feel like my mother just keeps picking old scabs, damaging our relationship (and all her relationships) further in order to defend and support her position with my brother. Look, do what you want with him, but you’re not going to make me take him on as a project. Been there, done that.

The sad thing is, I think I’m done with her. I’m going to still come back to Taiwan to visit my grandparents, but I’m not going to coincide my trips with hers. I just refuse to continue having these blowouts with her into my 40s. Done.