John and I have this inside joke where we always say Bubbey’s social intelligence skills are “world class”… And frankly, I guess it’s not really even a joke, bc there’s a lot of truth to it. In fact, in every single one of his jobs, that’s consistently one of the key compliments Bubs receives from leadership. Even for his very first job out of college, one of the top dogs pulled him aside to tell him that his blend of technical acumen PLUS social intelligence was a real gift that would take him far. Dude called it. My Bubbey is a superstar.

So how did he develop those world class skillz? He hypothesizes that growing up in a large family really helped him build strong awareness and perception, and esp given how passive and stubborn (world class in their own right) his parents are, he really honed some sophisticated skills of communicating in ways that make people feel supported rather than threatened, judged, or criticized. Additionally though, he also read a ton of books on difficult conversations and on managing people… Particularly early on when he was getting his feet wet in management. I should probably read those books; then again, why read them when I can get the Bubbey Cliff’s Notes?Interestingly, my family operates in the exact opposite manner of John’s family. No topic is off limits. We say whatever we want when we want, and there is zero fucking tact. If you think something, so long as it’s the (or YOUR) truth, it gets conveyed without any sugarcoating and regardless of whether or not the message is painful or hurtful. Hmm, perhaps that explains my proclivity towards radical honesty?

Ultimately, I think there is a time and place for both strategies, but it requires high level awareness in determining the appropriate method given the situation. Needless to say, throughout all my dramas, Bubs has definitely been a crucial adviser.

Recently, I was telling John how handling all my parents’ transactions and logistics was really starting to frustrate me, and moving forward, I wanted to have a conversation with my dad about fully taking over some of his projects. In the last few months, it’s just really become apparent that things are too much for him to handle. For me, part of the frustration stems from serving more in an administrative/secretarial capacity on these tasks… Couple the middleman/messenger role with dad’s total lack of tech savvy and things are super cumbersome and inefficient. So John said he thought that was a good idea, but I should discuss it in a very acknowledging and gracious way. Yeah, yeah. So yesterday, I called my dad and asked if he had moved forward like he had mentioned, and contacted the agent I researched regarding one of his townhouses. He had not. So I asked if wanted me to handle the sale. He agreed. Done. I think dad was procrastinating a little about telling his current agent (who helped with renting out the unit) that he wouldn’t necessarily be using him, but I just took care of it: Dad’s health isn’t good; he’s handing the project over to me, and I have my own agent from when I lived back East.

Later that day, I told Bubs that I had the conversation with dad and the situation was handled. Then, Bubs goes into a whole thing, asking if I had acknowledged dad for all that he has done for me and expressed gratitude for all that he has taught me and if I showed a willingness to take the reins to make the process more efficient for him… Blah, blah, blah. All of the sudden, the Love Withholder’s got a whole book of unsolicited advice?!?! No, I didn’t say any of that. I just asked if he wanted me to take on all aspects of the project, and he agreed and that’s that. Sheesh. 

But that’s the one good thing about my relationship with my dad. Unlike with my mother, I don’t have to defend my intentions. He already knows where I’m coming from. It’s like when I get pissed about my mother and all her neuroses, he knows it’s bc I worry about the consequences on his health. Her health too, but she’s even more resistant to change. And when I lose my patience with him for not downsizing or simplifying fast enough, he knows it’s not bc I’m trying to bully him out of the country or whatever. It’s bc I feel an urgency and I want him to start living freer and healthier immediately. Bub continued to give me crap, saying I could still go back and give those acknowledgements… Whatever. I’ll see. Sure, it would probably be a nice added gesture, but with my dad, actions are way more important than words. That’s his top love language, and no surprise, it’s mine as well. Like father, like daughter.