Monthly Archives: March 2016

Muddy Waters Marty

The other day, I was thinking more about my masseuse’s comment: What kind of crazy stressful life are you living? To be honest, I felt kind of ashamed when he said that, bc duh, I’m not even working right now. I don’t necessarily feel super stressed, but then again, I also have a history of being oblivious to stress until it manifests physically (shingles, H1N1, walking pneumonia). While in Palm Springs though, I definitely noticed that I slept better. The hotel was so freaking quiet, and I slept uninterrupted through the entire night. At home, I have the toughest time getting rest. Every leadership and productivity book I read talks about the importance of sleep. There have also been recent studies linking shitty sleep to Alzheimer’s (which my maternal grandmother now has and I think my mother will have…). I’ve been trying desperately to get that shit sorted, so I don’t follow their same path towards crazy.

So after two days of rest and relaxation, I came back late Monday to a number of things that immediately swung me back into an anxious state. First, Marty completely soiled my new sectional with mud. Yes, the couch that is dry-clean only and requires water-free solvent!chaise

Granted, the Bay Area was socked in with rain and wind while I was away– unusually wet and stormy weather. J says Marty was stressed bc I was away. I dunno: it’s never been an issue before, but seeing as old age is turning him into a different dog, I suppose it’s possible. Then, there’s also the high pressure changes that might have made him uncomfortable. Certainly, in the last several years, as a senior dog, he has never had a habit of getting on the furniture. In the last year, there have been times with his sundown syndrome (nighttime anxiety) when Bubbey has invited him onto the old sofa to spoon and calm down. But he never invites himself. I don’t know if he was stressed or confused or what. Needless to say, when I walked through the door and saw the extensive muddy mess ALL over the white chaise, I was so pissed. The weird thing is, typically I’m not one for keeping possessions in mint condition (I have a scratched car, scratched wood floors, dirty leather boots, etc.). I value use and practicality over keeping shit pristine and unused, but I dunno. It was less than a month old, and I was really trying to embrace this new art of staying tidy. Still, who could fault Marty. He wasn’t trying to act out. I mean, in his old age, he just isn’t quite himself anymore. J was beyond exasperated when I got home. It was interesting how in two days, our positions flip flopped. The week prior, I had been exhausted and frustrated. Marty was super clingy during the day (often getting in my way and causing me to trip on him) and then at night, he was restless, scratching his bed a billion times, panting crazy, and going in and out of the doggie door. I was so annoyed, I yelled at him a few times, and Bubbey tried to remind me that he was a good dog. Similar to what we have witnessed with our oldie humans, these elder years are fucking challenging, man. And if I think back, they were excruciatingly difficult with Remy too.

Maybe he just needed to feel safe in a den? So we brought out his dog crate. Both Remy and Marty were crate trained, and when we lived in Virginia, they were crated during the day. I’m a big advocate of crating but we stopped the practice in 2004 just bc they were fine without it. So I put him back in on Monday night, and shit, he started wigging out. WTF is going on? I let him out after a few minutes. Ugh. Probably too many years have passed since crate living. That night though, he slept like a fucking rock in the bedroom. No wakeups or anything. I was hopeful.

Then, the very next day, same shit as before: clingy during the day. I was thinking that maybe I ought to confine him to a room so I can rest at night, so I put him in my office where he usually sleeps while I am on the computer most of the day. In the middle of the day, I left for a few hours and when I came back, he had knocked the water bowl and was again stressed and panting. That night, the sundown syndrome was back with a vengeance. I got no sleep and in the middle of the night, I started researching this. Holy crap: so many forums where people have old dogs (> 11 years) and these same problems!! People liken this period to having a newborn. They aren’t getting any sleep and they are worried about functioning at their jobs during the day. They have tried everything: crating, melatonin, doggie xanax, Benedryl, sleeping in the human’s bed, etc. It makes me think of a comment my friend J once made about being the father to three children. He said, “Now I know why pigs kill (roll over) their young.” And it’s sad, bc I remember the glory days when everyone was young and happy and healthy. Remy and Marty brought me so much joy. How can I NOT try every possible option? So that night, I ordered a few tinctures plus some homeopathic sleeping pills. Part of the complication is that Marty’s kidney disease makes it difficult for him to process standard pain meds (for arthritis) and in the past when we tried xanax, it made things worse. And then with all the upcoming travel, I worry about getting him adequate care.

Meanwhile, in the last few weeks, I’ve been getting those calls in the middle of the night from mom in Taiwan. My phone rings at like 3am, and when I see it’s from Taiwan, I feel anxious that maybe something happened to the grandparents (all three are over 93 y/o) or my parents. Nope, mom just got the time change wrong. Jesus fucking Christ. Then, yesterday, after a sleepless night with Marty, I got a call from Dad at 8am. Johnny was supposed to cancel my grandparents’ return flight since they are going to live in Taiwan now but instead, he accidentally checked them in. Can I call United and fix it of figure out the cancel/change/refund situation? Ugh!! Dad is all maxed out and stressed. Normally, WTF. Get the AB Duke scholar (my brother) to call and fix his mistake! But then Dad sounds so stretched and at the end of his string, that Jesus Christ, fine. I’ll do it. Argh!! Next time, I will just have to call my brother and tell him to handle it. Fucking A. As for the “helping my parents” vs enabling issue. My dad just is not in the mental state right now to be empowered. Between dealing with my neurotic mother and handling all my maternal grandparents’ paperwork/logistics (the townhouse, medical coverage, housing– moving from place to place, travel, taxes, etc.) plus his youngest sister just underwent heart surgery, it’s just too damn much. And again, as I am seeing with Marty, old age is fucking my Dad over. He just can’t function the way he used to. His capacity is down big time.

I guess this is what people call the sandwich generation. It’s this period in your life when you are trying to raise and care for your own family while also handling eldercare. It’s especially stressful I think when you feel like there aren’t enough people to help. Like my Dad does everything (yes partly bc he is a control freak), but also bc my mother doesn’t have the capacity and bc my brother really is a fucking useless tard.

Anyway, as I write all this out, it’s no fucking wonder my muscles are tighter than hell. I’m just trying to take this shit one step at a time. The first calming tincture did not help Marty at all last night. Tonight, I’ll try the second one. I sure hope it knocks Marty out.

Pool Time in Palm Springs

I was in Palm Springs last weekend meeting up with my friend G, who flew in from Seattle. The trip was brief, but we had a good time, hitting the food scene, raiding the outlets, and soaking up the rays by the pool and at the hot springs. We used to chat fairly regularly via phone, but now those catch ups are harder to coordinate, so it was nice to have a couple days to get back up to speed. Unfortunately, it’s always a bit disappointing to hear other people with their stories of workplace drama and bullshit. I know people say dickwads are everywhere, but I guess I just never want to believe it. Annoying. Family-wise though, it sounds like things are going well: the baby is getting big and learning new skills. They are enjoying their house, planning to renovate the basement, and gearing up for some travel. I have to say, G+J have always been really good about hitting places they want to go without procrastinating. J and I are trying to do more of that this year, with the whole “best life” theme and all. As a side note though, I do think it helps when both people in the couple are planners. Not that I’m jabbing at Bubbey, but I’m just saying: he gets decision fatigue from work; likewise, sometimes I get fatigued from handling all the household and travel/trip logistics. In the end, it works out fine, but there are just some roadblocks every now and then that seem to slow us down.

G was asking me about my bucket list, which I used to maintain online with Schemer until the app went kaput. I actually managed to find another version/copy on my iphone notes. It’s definitely been helpful for us at least in terms of picking out our destinations, but thinking about my bucket list also reminds me that I need to go back to writing out my new year resolutions. I used to do it, but then I stopped for no real reason. Those resolutions def helped keep me on track for the year, even if some shit would get done in the last two weeks of December!

Back to the trip: Overall, I was happy with how the visit panned out. Before my flight into Ontario (much cheaper than PSP and only 70 min away!), the forecast had called for mostly wind and rain. But once we got in town, we lucked out with several hours of sunshine every day and really, it only started to rain heavily on our last day AFTER we were already done with the spa and hot springs and headed for the airport. Oh, at the hot springs spa, I got a deep tissue massage. Goddamn, I’ve had a lot of strong-handed masseuses, but this dude was way intense. Hurt like hell, and I think my wrists are bruised today. I did ask him to lighten up for the bottom half, but initially, you know me: I’m always wanting to test my threshold. The guy did say that my muscles were crazy tight. “What kind of crazy, stressful life are you living?” Um, I dunno. I’m not even working right now. WTF?! Whatever, chock it up as a physical manifestation of my insomnia and usual overthinking. Then again, he probably just says that to every client. I tried to call him on it, but he insists he was being honest. He did recommend that I exercise more regularly. Maybe he felt a lot of jiggly spots. 😛

I def recommend PSP for a quickie weekend destination. Short flight out of SJC, there’s the mid-century modern architecture (though we didn’t cover too much of that on this trip), outdoor options (Joshua Tree or Indian Canyon), hot springs and spas, outlets, and the food is pretty good. Sure, being in the middle of the desert with a gabillion golf courses sucking up crazy amounts of water feels rather strange and counter-intuitive, but shit, there is nothing like sunshine and pool time. And thankfully, the place we stayed was 1) child-free and 2) had 24-hr. pool and hot tub access. Seriously, I must have gone for a soak/dip 3 times in one day. Live it up while you can, baby. Although now that I think of it, our lives at home meet both of those requirements already. Well, no pool. ;)[FAG id=7447]

Kobayashi

Word on the street is The House of Prime Rib typically books out months in advance. Thankfully, I somehow managed to score reservations for the day AFTER Bubbey’s bday. We’d only gone once before and that was years ago… We went with our friends, and goddamn, it felt so fricking pricey. Now that we’re old folks though, I was looking at the menu (Of course, I researched the shit out of that too: did you know there’s a secret menu?!?), and the prices didn’t seem shocking at all. Chock it up to living in the Bay Area! All told, including drinks, about $60 pp. Not bad for super high end all-you-can-eat beef plus all the sides, right? Granted, earlier I was researching Michelin-starred places like Chez TJ in Mountain View and Manresa in Los Gatos. Fuck man, we’re talking several Benjamins per person!! Thankfully, Bubbey told me he’s not as into the uber swanky restaurants like he used to be. Haha, I say it’s bc his current company is a bunch of fresh PhD grads, so being surrounded by all those former students (with this being their first jobs out) brings down the standards. I was reminded of my grad school days when I was making furniture out of giveaway plastic milk crates and cardboard boxes (a medicine cabinet, an end table, and Remy’s perched doggie bed) from the Publix supermarket. Anyway, HOPR did not disappoint, and man, that place was packed!!! Bubbey was making fun of me bc all the Asian diners there were leaving with bags and bags of leftovers, so he said I was feeling pressured to “play my game.” I def ordered seconds and ate it. The waitress was impressed. Oh yeah lady, I can be a real Kobayashi when I want to be… I ate nearly every round, from the starting sourdough bread, to the dressing-drenched salad and the juice-soaked Yorkshire pudding (more bread), plus all my mashed potatoes and creamed spinach, and my whole plate of meat. And then I got another plate of the “end piece,” which I had learned from the secret menu. Tasty but surprisingly a little too dry for me (Next time I’d stick to the original English cut!). In the end, we only left with ONE bag of food– Bubbey’s baked potato. Yeah, I was kinda bummed not to maximize for some additional meals at home, but Bubbey gets his way on his bday. All in all, we had a great celebration week.

Big Bday

Bubs turned 40 this week. We always say that we’re so old and have been together so long, that we’ve run out of gifts to buy, so let’s just focus on experiences… and then last minute, we think of things to buy! This year, with the completion of the garage cabinets and general household organization, Bubs mentioned getting a tool chest. I enlisted the expertise of K’s beau D (a certified builder of many things) and whatdya know, he pointed me to a very affordable heavy-duty system. After a couple of hours of price checking, reading reviews, and conducting my usual overkill on product research, I was ready to buy and deliver. Goddamn, Amazon Prime’s got me spoiled! I gotta wait until mid March? Nope, not gonna work. So then, I decided to pick that shit up in store. Well, not sure if you’ve noticed, but Sears stores are few and far between. Next, check stock. The only store with stock for immediate pickup? 30 minutes away in SJ. Not terribly far but still some distance. My mistake? I foolishly thought that I could fit a set of rolling drawers + a top tool chest in a 4-door sedan. Mind you, I showed up and the guy looked at me like I was totally insane. But you know me: VG is a persistent beotch. “Maybe if I move the passenger seat or we take it out of the box…” After a few minutes of my shenanigans, we got the top chest into the front of my car. No luck with the rolling drawers.

Thank goodness for friends with trucks, man! After lamenting my issue, K immediately enlisted the help of D, who promptly agreed to pick up the drawers and deliver them to my house that night!! Damn, these people move fast! By 9p, we had the whole system set up in the garage! Thanks K+D!! Granted, I specifically bought the system that only required assembling the cart handle and the wheels (The Seville brand systems require like 3 hrs. of assembly!). And of course Bubs and I don’t read instructions, so we installed the wheels without first putting on the flanges. Duh. One of these days, we’ll learn. I think Bubs is pretty happy, and I’m pleased too: went through Upromise AND got both items on major sale. Hee, hee.

So his bday has quietly been a multi-day celebration. The day before, he got his tool chest. The day of, his Timberland chukkas arrived just in time (thank goodness for Amazon free shipping/returns!). I’ve been trying to get him to like Timberland shoes for years, and he finally warmed up to them. For dinner, I bought a pricey hunk of USDA prime steak (Thanks M for treating us to Schaub’s!!) and paired that with scallops for my home version of “Surf and Turf.” The sear on the scallops wasn’t very good bc I used a nonstick instead of cast iron, but the NuWave did a pretty awesome job on the ribeye. I swear, I need to go into sales and marketing for that damn appliance. Truth be told, the flavor via NuWave is more similar to how Bubs and I both grew up eating steaks– cooked in the oven broiler or via toaster oven. Tasty, but the flavor when cooked on the open flames of a grill are better. My family freaks out about consuming any amount of char (contains cancer-causing compounds), but damn, there is nothing better than those crispy, black, flavor crystals. Now I know for next time. Grill best, NuWave second best.

In the last week, I’ve definitely been feeling a roller-coaster of emotions, triggered by our own aging and just having a lot of solo time to overthink life, work, friendships, everything. But one thing that made me feel better about myself was just this thought that I can actually cook now. I’m not a master chef like Bubs, but fuck man, I can consistently make several tasty dishes. And sure, sometimes I use shortcuts like ready-to-eat Costco salads and straight-pour pesto sauces, but heck, my shit is not just edible, it’s tasty. And it’s decent enough that I feel fine about feeding it to other people!! I’ve come a pretty long way, so I gave myself a pat on the back for my progress… and thank fucking goodness for the NuWave and pressure cooker. Life-changing, I tell ya.

Letting Go

The other day, I spent an hour or two crafting a job application for a senior project manager job. I had been following the firm for a few years: they are technical consultants to nonprofit organizations. Two years ago, I had come across some of their conference slides and blog posts, and the place just sounded like an amazing place to work. I reached out to two staffers and met them for info interviews. At the time, I knew that the core of their work was around Salesforce/Drupal. I had never held a position where I needed either of those skills, but I figured that moving towards Salesforce might be a good move for my future. I started doing training videos, etc. Even after I joined the university for the social media job, I attended the Salesforce conference on my own time and dime, and I occasionally took some online courses on Salesforce. After I crafted my application, I reached out to one of the info interviewee people, and then it hit me. As much as I think I want to work at this org and in this space, sometimes there simply is no way around the required time in the saddle. Taking video tutorials is NOT the same as using Salesforce at work. It was a sad but valuable realization, similar to one I had had months ago after I applied to the um-teenth corporate social responsibility and philanthropy job. I had been trying to learn things on my own on the side, but ultimately, when I got real feedback from the hiring manager, she said this: you have really robust skills and experience, but for this role, we have so many applicants with the exact skills who have been doing the exact role somewhere else. In other words, why would they take a risk and hire someone who would have to learn on the job when they could just plug/play a person with the exact background they are seeking?

So here’s my dilemma every time I pivot professionally: The job is X, and there are a ton of people with the precise skills of X. There’s no reason to have someone with Y skills learn X skills on the job. I feel like my skills match well for the intersection of tech and nonprofit and consulting. And I have worked in that space before. But managing tech features/projects for a scrappy nonprofit or a slow-moving government agency is different from working at a place that has the latest/newest platforms and that employs people who are certified in project management.

Today I feel tired and discouraged. Is this a repeat of my generalist vs. specialist problem? At some point, when do you throw in the towel? You think you belong in a certain space, but that space doesn’t think you belong. How long do you try to fill the gaps to gain approval and acceptance ? And when do you stop and say, maybe I can’t help in this specific capacity. Maybe I can help as a donor, but not as an employee. I’m not the person they are seeking. And maybe I have never quite been that person, bc I am an eternal misfit after all. Sigh.

I reached out yesterday to an acquaintance who’s a realtor (former tech company employee). I asked her about recommended places to take the required courses for the sales license. She got back to me suggesting an online outfit that actually has a rolling schedule. No school semester schedule with registration or add/drop periods! Granted, real estate has popped into my mind many times in the past, and given how many related tasks I’ve had to handle for my father throughout the years, this isn’t a total stretch. There are aspects that appeal to me: the independence, the different schedule, the various business elements, the balance of people/solo time, the potential for growth… Maybe now is the time to stop trying so hard to fit my square peg into a round hole. Maybe this path will lead to something satisfying and fulfilling. The timeline can be as fast as a couple months (the barrier to entry is low, as Bubbey says) and then I might know with clarity…