Empathy and tough love. My friend P. We’re good friends, maybe even kinda like sisters (though I don’t have a real blood sister to truly compare), and yet after a weekend together, I’m feeling a bit tired and eager to get home. I think what drains me and perhaps reinforces just how moderate of an extrovert I truly am, is the emotional support and frequent feedback. I mean, being a friend is hard work!

She’s at a stressful time in her life. Both of us are women right at 40 or the cusp of 40, so I get all the expectations we and others have for us at this point in our lives. We’re supposed to be confident, settled, accomplished, certain (and of course, still beautiful, intelligent, in shape, whatever…). P and I both made choices that led us down different, somewhat circuitous and unconventional paths, so maybe we lost some time. Then again, no one, including ourselves, really gives a shit about the why. Maybe we’re just in this phase of feeling disappointed and somewhat mournful: we failed to attain our goals by this preset (and yet totally arbitrary) timeline.

So we were in somewhat sullen moods, but it was good to spend time together. And we did a lot this weekend: we walked along the beach (88 degrees!!), did yoga in the park, went out downtown, made dumplings, toured her campus, met up with friends… Sometimes though, our differences (I’m still a misfit after all) frustrate me. Throw into that, some cultural influences, and I just feel unsettled. See, there I go again, always wanting things to be so damn black and white.

So P and I had this discussion on Sunday about communication. What if a guy contacts you the day of to see you later that day. Do you agree to see him, or turn him down, saying you have plans even if you don’t? Huh? Is this a real question? I mean, if I want to see someone and I honestly have zero plans, I go.

Oh hell no! He can’t think a lady is just waiting around for him, being all available. If he wants to date me, he needs to put thought into it and schedule it and make plans.

Is it just me, or wtf??? I mean, shit. You didn’t have plans. And maybe you should have made the plans if that’s what you wanted. But you didn’t initiate so now someone else does and you’re being critical bc he didn’t plan ahead?? That expectation shit just drives me insane. Stop playing silly games! Life is complicated enough. Saying yes or initiating a meet up doesn’t make you desperate or cheap or easy, unless you go over there and are desperate, cheap, and easy. And then this insistence on complication isn’t even limited to romantic relationships. It often gets applied to friendships too. Who among you are living like this?? Another example: P and I made plans for brunch with her friends who are also good acquaintances of mine. They bailed last minute and P was annoyed that they backed out of plans. It’s brunch, who cares, but she was kinda stressed on how and what to respond. I’m like, we still go to brunch and if they can’t go, we’ll see them another time. Done. She claims her reaction is cultural: if you commit to something, you don’t back out. Um, except that Latinos are notorious for being late, so um, maybe if you commit to something, you should also respect people’s time?? Doesn’t make sense to me. And honestly, I don’t even know why I’m getting so frustrated by this, but I am. Actually, I kinda feel like I’m talking to my mother.

Later, another friend of P’s invites her and a third person to salsa Saturday night. The third person can’t go, so P says if she were organizing, she would coordinate a different time so everyone could make it, whereas the organizer in this case just said, “Ok, sorry we’ll miss you!” Done. P was kinda surprised by how easy/nonchalant the reaction could be. Obviously, friendships run the gamut:  there ARE different tiers but shit, it’s just plans for a Saturday night among three local friends. I’m not going to accommodate every single person every single time. It’s NOT that important. Even for like a wedding. Do you ask all the guests if they can go and then move the date if they can’t? No. This is the date. Join if you can, but the show goes on regardless. Am I missing something here?

Maybe this hits on issues of inclusion. As someone who spends a lot of time alone, P wants to be included. I get that. I have been excluded, shunned, uncool, bullied, left out. But at the same time, should the expectation be that others are responsible for including her? No. Change your paradigm about inclusion/exclusion, or initiate your own activities to build your tribe. You don’t get to be passive and then blame others for lacking consideration or empathy. Ugh. Sometimes I think there is just too much hand holding and baby gloving with relationships.

So yeah, these conversations bugged me, bc we didn’t see eye to eye and something about her stance just felt so unnecessarily limiting. It really reminded me of my mother and how she used to always criticize me for being too dominant or straightforward in my relationships. “Guys want to play the game! Guys want the thrill of the chase.” Uh ok, but I’m not a hunted animal. It was as if she wanted to shame me into being demure and passive. Again, perhaps these are different cultural constructs of gender roles? Ultimately, I think P is just wanting to be true to herself and comfortable in her own skin. Fair enough. But if your way isn’t working and you aren’t getting the outcomes you desire, you have to change your approach. Radical honesty, bitches!