On December 1, I informed my boss that I wanted to start transitioning out. Yup, after trying to force a connection that’s been missing since the very beginning, I finally had the guts to hit eject. For me, there are so many factors that come into play when assessing a job, but ultimately, what made this move so damn difficult was my sense of duty/responsibility AND my loyalty to relationships, in this case, my boss. Sure, like all of us, she has her flaws and quirks but in the end, she supported me and championed my work. For someone who chronically feels “not good enough,” her opinion of my job performance means something. Interestingly, it doesn’t erase my own assessment of how I could be better or how someone else might do this job better, but that’s a different issue.

Anyway, she immediately tried to offer alternatives: part-time work, project specific consultancy, etc. I told her I didn’t have anything lined up, and I wasn’t leaving tomorrow or anything, but I wanted her to know this was where the path was leading. Yes, there was some crying involved. Fuck man, I dunno why I treat such things with so much goddamn gravity. Ridic. That said, as soon as I told her, I felt so much lighter. It’s that damn radical honesty: when I have to keep things secret, it requires tremendous energy. I’m so much more at ease after I can just tell all. Haha. Our meeting concluded with this: you consider whether there’s any capacity where you might continue to work here, and let me know.

After I got home, Bubs and I ran through the scenarios. Part-time was nixed almost immediately. As it is, I can’t seem to limit myself to 40 hrs/wk, so part-time would most likely end up being me working full-time at half-time pay. As for the consultant opps, the big project coming up is the 24-hr day of giving. Having worked that massive project last year, I’m not impressed with the team nor the university’s continual insistence on cheaping out (without downgrading their expectations). Since last year’s campaign, we’ve had multiple meetings for this year’s event, and despite the university expressing SOME interest in new tools, it seems the decision makers are leaning cheap and conservative this year yet again. No thank you.

The strongest impetus for leaving is my strong distaste for the current interim AVP. Yes, I have a history of becoming disillusioned with leaders. Leadership is something I require, and even though my track record is shitty (asshole managers and execs are everywhere!), I know good ones are out there. I can’t even begin to express how disappointed I am with the current situation. I wrote about it before, where she came in via a very sketchy, conflict-of-interest scenario. She immediately proposed a drastic plan to whip our department into shape. We all knew the department was dysfunctional and messed up. But her approach and more than that, her attitude… I don’t want to go into all the details here, but basically, she comes in, shows no appreciation for what has been accomplished (in spite of the dysfunction and lack of resources), insists on throwing around buzzwords that she can’t seem to adequately explain, drags ass implementing the changes, and then does a half-ass job in executing the vague plan, blaming executive indecision and lack of resources all along the way. Sure, maybe she took on the job not expecting so may problems and roadblocks. Fine, but the answer isn’t to just continue plowing through, answering people’s concerns with “this is a high ambiguity situation, and it will be like that for a while.” People are ok with change if you earn their confidence, create incentives, and/or if you show them a timeline and a path. When pressed for a timeline, no answer. When she talks about the department ultimately reaching its peak performance status though, the words that emerge are “years.” Here’s the thing: your pay is shit, your org is highly dysfunctional, your leaders are hypocritical and uninspiring, and now you are demanding major structural change plus new work in addition to the existing massive pile of responsibilities? Hello, Change Management 101: what is the employees’ incentive to put up with all this? Throughout the whole process, she keeps touting her high tech background, saying she’s running this place like a tech startup– with “best practices.” Uh, do you have any concept of where the fuck you are? Startups offer cool culture, opportunities for advancement, reward for strong performance, and the chance for a payout. Please. Know your client; know your audience.

The thing is, in the beginning, I wanted to like this woman. While rumors swirled that she was being brought in to oust our AVP, I thought those people were just overreacting and being paranoid. To our one-on-one meeting, I came with an open mind and with honest answers. She hardly even paid attention to my responses to her questions. I thought maybe she had had a long day and was just tired.

The sad truth is, a woman in leadership is such a goddamn rarity. So when I see it, I want it to succeed. But I’m not about to be used and abused and disrespected. She’s not even sincere about anything she says. Whatever. Ultimately, her tactic of dangling a “you get to keep your job” over our heads just isn’t going to work for me. Fuck you. I am someone who, as a preteen, chose welts and bruises and lashings with a leather belt over a simple verbal apology to my mother. If I feel you’re in the wrong, you won’t get an apology out of me. In some cases with people I love, I make exceptions, but I don’t dole that shit out like hot cakes. I would rather work at See’s Candies and sell most of my creature comforts than be handcuffed to a shitty job dictated by someone I strongly dislike. Yeah, I actually value my freedom to choose where I work and how I spend my time. So, I’m out. And yes, that message is also accompanied by a hand gesture or two. Like I said, defiance with a capital daddy-fuckin’ (why do we always say “mother-fucking”) D.