So I got super pissed off at work today. Despite kicking off my series of new programs last week, I had an exchange with my boss last night and this afternoon that just really made me want to hit eject on this goddamn place. (Yes, I know, I AM impatient just as many of you have said.) So my new programs (all started around the same time) include: K and I hitting the campus gym twice a week instead of once, the FMD diet (though not strictly enforced), and rollerblading several times a week with Marty (he’s slow and therefore off-leash). After wasting the two weeks prior, I was finally feeling this week like, “Yeah, let’s get back on the wagon!”

Usually, I take great pride in my ability to spend time solo. I know, God forbid I ever admit to any kind of reliance or dependency on Bubbey, right? Well, the truth is, I really was handling everything just fine. I mean, the Marty maintenance was kind of intense, but I was getting all the details organized: the right combo of ingredients for his meals, the right mix of supplements, a cooking/meal prep schedule, the daily fluids intake… He visited the vet Sunday night, and the doctor suggested that I increase the fluids volume so I could decrease the frequency of pokes. I tried it earlier this week, but he just didn’t seem as good as he looked on the daily schedule. Right now, he is pooping and peeing regularly, drinking water on his own, and even having enough appetite to consume two hearty meals every day. Fingers crossed that this shit keeps up– forever.

On my parents’ end of things, I ordered my dad a new laptop, it delivered this week, and Bubbey dropped in town to help with set up. Yesterday evening, dad called about a missing “forward” button with his email, and immediately, I noticed he was still using the OLD laptop. Fucking A!! He complained that the old one didn’t have sound and was super slow with startup, blah, blah, so I get him a brand new one and he doesn’t use it!! I was so annoyed, but whatever, I’ll give him a few days. In general though, things finally seemed to be on the upswing (I spoke with my grandparents on the phone, and they sounded great!), and with two days left until Bubbey’s return, positivity was creeping back into my life! Imagine that.

Well, last night and this afternoon, my boss ticked me off with her office drama bullshit. Long story short, since I started here eight months ago, she’s always felt a need to meet with me before we’ve had meetings scheduled with other departments/teams across campus. In the beginning, I assumed that she was just being protective of my time, which is a good thing: You know, don’t agree to take on too many tasks/assignments from other people, and that way, we can maintain a manageable workload. I viewed this as her way of throttling work in my pipeline. Over time, however, I came to see that these “pre-meetings” were actually way more political. I understand that I work under her, and that I serve the central marcom office. I get that there are other forces at the institution that perhaps might have thoughts and ideas about how our social media efforts can serve them. The thing is, I have decent social skills. I’m not a world-class social intelligence expert like Bubbey is, but I’ve read a LOT and I’ve subjected myself to a lot of social scenarios to build my real-life experience. I know how to collaborate and get along with all kinds of people, at all levels, and from different backgrounds. Being a female engineer in college and beyond, and having worked with solid waste engineers and landfill operators (predominantly old, white men) in the South, plus having my other work experiences in different industries and countries and whatever… I can fucking hold my own!

Long story short, what I had previously read as protective, I now view as territorial, competitive, and distrustful. As I have been trying to build connections and reach out to other departments across campus, she keeps reiterating our priorities and our own work. Not very collaborative. And worse than that, maybe she thinks she’s letting me in on the history/background of relationships, but it’s coming across like a ton of extraneous bullshit. And you know what? This paranoid and neurotic mentality reminds me an awful lot of my parents, with their constant warnings of danger and sabotage. I don’t live with those shit-colored lenses. I like to trust people and believe people, and you know what? I’m almost 40-fucking-years-old, and it has YET to burn me. That’s not to say, I’m a fucking oblivious dumbass, refusing to recognize potential risk and danger. I have awareness, but I’m not going to look for devious intentions unless I have reason to. So our conversation today surrounded one particular person in our office. He’s not popular, and multiple people have warned that he has self-serving intentions. Seriously, I could care less if other people are super ambitious in this workplace. Go for it. I have no movement up, and I could care less for me, but if you have the drive and interest, have at it! Anyway, I really felt like she was telling me who to like and who to dislike. I have my own interactions with people, and I make my own goddamn decisions. That’s not to dismiss what she has experienced and what she has witnessed for her… she can think whatever the fuck she wants, but don’t dictate how I ought to judge and characterize people. First of all, I have realized that other people and I frequently have different perceptions/attitudes/reactions. For example, while my parents would argue that so-and-so’s actions were done out of spite or jealousy or ill-will, I might not have read the scenario the same way. And I can say, so many times when I was growing up, my mother interpreted my actions to stem from x or y emotion. Maybe she was right in her assessment early on, when I was a child. But later, after I became an adult, my mother constantly applied those same filters to my behavior even when my intentions and motivations were completely different. It’s kind of like, once you decide you dislike someone, everything they do is then viewed with a negative lens. I feel like my boss has decided that she dislikes a bunch of people/departments/units at work. And no matter what, it’s as if I have to adopt her same read on those people. Sure, she might have legit reasons for feeling x about certain people. But don’t fucking insist that  I adopt your filters. And if it’s a loyalty issue, screw that. Loyalty, especially in the workplace, is dead. The only thing that I carry with me from one place to another is the quality of my work, my work ethic, my integrity, and my relationships. And I decide all of those things for me. Yeah, can you tell I’ve been bullied in my past? This shit is a deal. breaker.

But whatever. Like an adult, I am trying to calm the fuck down bc yes, my boss is supportive, and yes, she has championed me in the past. Her style just is NOT my style. But heck, she’d better tone it the hell down, bc I’ve been listening to all this poison for eight months, and it’s really testing my patience.