I have to say, it’s a good thing that I have a strong sense of self. I mean, you know, barring the occasional rut or period of self-doubt, generally speaking, I am a confident person who stands by my choices, behaviors, and decisions. Wow, that sounds so serious. The bottom line? I do some fucked up, embarrassing things. And rather than get all worked up about it, I just have to laugh at the absurdity that is my life.

For example, two weekends ago, I was hanging around at home. We had plans in the evening, but until then, I fully intended to stay housebound. So I put on those Crest Whitestrips and got down to business with some laundry, cleaning, organizing, what have you. As part of this process, I was feeling some bumps cropping up on my face. You all know my troubled, scarring history with shit skin. So now, even though my skin has been relatively clear for the last 7+ years, I still have irrational fears about cystic breakouts. I felt something coming in, so I put zit cream all over the trouble spots. Then I resumed buzzing around the house. At some point hours later, I took out the trash, so I opened the gate and crossed my driveway to the side of the house with the trash bins. I turned around, saw my neighbor, exchanged pleasantries, and then walked over to his yard for a full-fledged 10-minute conversation with him and his 7 y/o daughter. About 8 minutes in, I remembered the zit cream. Holy, fucking shit, NOOOOOO!! I touched my chin and felt the crusted cream. All while continuing the conversation, I started “subtly” wiping my face. Then I ended the conversation as soon as possible. John was on the couch inside. Do you see splotches on my face? Umm, yeah. I ran to the bathroom mirror. Fucking A!! Sometimes that cream shit rubs off or absorbs. Nope. This shit was full, original pasty white. The kid was probably like, what the heck is splatted all over her face?? So embarrassing. FML. And then, I just busted out laughing in the bathroom, bc seriously. Does this crap happen to other people??? I think not. Shrug.

Then, last night, I was blogging in bed. I was starting to get really tired, but I wanted to crank out some posts (aren’t you grateful for my dedication??), so I had the iPad like held up close to my face but at a weird angle so I could still type on the attached keyboard. Well whadya know, I felt asleep and the fucking clamshell fell over with the pendulum force of a wrecking ball, hitting me smack dab in between the eyes. That hurt like hell, and now this morning, I have mild swelling and bruising. Ugh. Who the fuck falls asleep and whacks herself in the face with her device??