We hear it a billion times. Nothing is more important than health. Well this afternoon, I got some really disappointing news about my buddy N. She’d been doing AMAZEBALLS, especially in the last year– having lost a shit ton of weight, exercising, going out, experiencing a life she’d never really lived… For the first time ever, she was happy, like really, truly happy. I visited her a year ago in fall and then again last summer in June. I was so relieved that things were finally looking up for her.

Then I remember two months ago in October, when I emailed all my peeps announcing my new position, I never heard back from her. I kinda thought it was weird, and a part of me even thought selfishly, WTF? I finally have good news, and you don’t care?

Well, today I spoke with her mother, who had called last week to see how we were faring with the Pineapple Express. Turns out, N threw out her back in October. She was on a total roll– swimming, playing tennis, working out, and somehow doctors suspect that the physical exercise caused her spinal cord to start coming out of the spine, and the rubbing against the bone (or something else) causes excruciating pain. Her mother didn’t know the exact term for the condition, but it’s really bad. So now N goes to work, but then pretty much she cannot move without suffering some kind of piercing pain. All evening activities are now shot: no gym, no going out, nothing. Doctors did a CAT scan last week, and they are waiting to hear more, but the solution likely involves back surgery, and the chance of success for the particular operation is only 50/50.

N is a medical person, and her mother says she’s very worried about the options and the procedure. The exercising and healthy lifestyle have now ground to a complete halt, and she is overeating again. So just like that, the progress that took years in the making is receding and is exacerbated by shitty insurance and very expensive medical bills. Her mother doesn’t sound good either: she’s frustrated, discouraged, afraid, and stressed. I will be calling N to get the full scoop from her. I’m hoping the situation is not as dire as it sounds. But fuck! I think about how so many people live their lives spending time chasing things that in the end aren’t even important. Yet we insist on spending our time and energy in that way. Why? So many unhappy, miserable people, procrastinating with self-care and for what? I’ve been such a dumbfuck these last few months. Why is it so goddamn important and absolutely critical that I bust my ass and kick butt at work… to the point of letting all other things that help maintain my own mental health and sanity fall to the wayside? Why do I do that? Why did my father do that? Why do so many people work in jobs that are killing them?

There’s no denying that money is important, because after all, medical shit is crazy expensive. But maybe if we were better to ourselves in the first place, we wouldn’t have to search desperately for ways to repair problems that have ballooned due to years of neglect. I don’t really know if these current back issues are attributed to N having been overweight for a very long time. Sometimes though, health feels a lot like time: lost time is gone forever. It cannot be made up. I think of those Hollywood celebs who abused their bodies for so long with alcohol, drugs, smoking, whatever. You can only get back so much with new habits and/or money. Some of the damage is just irreversible.

Many years back, my aunt had gotten into a car accident, and the other driver was severely injured, requiring multiple surgeries, etc. My aunt made some comment about her bad luck– getting into this accident that was costing her so much money. And my grandfather said, “You can earn more money. That person will never be able to have full range of his arms again.” For some reason, this also makes me think of all the protests, looting, and rioting happening in response to Ferguson and Eric Garner. People complain about the store damage, the broken glass, the vandalism, etc. While I don’t agree with property damage as a tactic of protest, I do feel strongly that things can be replaced or repaired. But those lives– they really are gone forever.