Since when did I become such a goddamn worry wart? Seriously. Ok fine, don’t answer that, because yes, I know I have always suffered from some bit of neuroses. I am my mother’s daughter after all…

To come clean, these last few weeks have been an ongoing struggle. I suppose when I go into quiet mode, it’s usually fair indication that shit is going down. Ok, maybe that’s sounding a bit too dramatic. But I’ve definitely been feeling very troubled by the world. Now more than ever, I need to follow news as part of my job– you know, being all up on stuff, but shit. Some days the weight almost prevents me from getting out of bed. I know, red flag right? Ugh. I need to give EAP a call. First, it’s just news all over, riddled with violence, manipulation, annoying self-righteous people who inflict harm on others. Then I just can’t seem to get myself into a groove. Work-life balance has totally gone to shit. The other day, I was so thrilled to take my scooter for a spin onto campus. I was meeting someone in the arts and sciences building, and seriously, I arrived all huffing and puffing. For like less than a mile’s distance. Maybe 1 1/2 miles max. I’m not sleeping well, I’m not exercising, I’m not blogging, I’m not doing friend stuff… I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. And then Martin is having issues again. WTF. Fussy eating again plus nighttime anxiety. PLUS, I am having trouble securing doggie care for the winter break. Fuck me. I have asked SIX people. He’s muddying his nose all the damn time. He hops on and off the bed and cannot seem to get comfortable. Sometimes I think to myself, “When am I going to catch a fucking break?” And then I feel absolutely ridiculous for thinking such a thing… in my secure life of privilege.

Job-wise, I think my boss is happy with me so far, but I worry daily about performing, about accomplishing and achieving to the level I’m used to. Some part of me feels like my cultural illiteracy is a huge detriment to curating content that jives with college kids. I don’t watch much tv, and I’m not a fan of memes. WTF? The other part of me doesn’t even give a fuck about meshing with millennials. Dealing with seasoned, experienced adults seems so much more worthwhile. And I struggle with the larger theme about society’s evolution towards binge info consumption… people are processing and filtering info without even consciously registering much if it. The young brains work in different ways these days. Maybe I’m just feeling old and stubborn and resistant. On top of all this, one of the cool coworkers on my team announced Friday that she is leaving. I’m really happy for her, and maybe none of it is really that surprising. Still, I’m pretty damn bummed.

Of course, all of that said, I am still trying. I’m putting in after hours to try and understand more. And my boss is really supportive.

Well, no choice but to keep it together.