Last night was a disaster. The day itself went relatively well. In the morning, I was at ProMatch. We had a guest speaker who provided a ton of metrics about the job search. His strategy? Contact people and withhold the resume. Instead, argue your value, say why you’re a fit, and then end with, “contact me if you think there is potential. I’d be happy to send you my resume then.” The approach is similar to what I’ve read with The Human Workplace column. I’m a huge fan, but sometimes going against convention is easier said than done.

The overarching idea is to be confident about what you can offer and also, to NOT appear desperate. I mean, he’s right: so much of this process has this lame, underlying power dynamic. I’ve discussed it before: this constant wishing and hoping to be cool enough for school. Anyway, I’m glad to be reminded of this alternate approach, and I think I’ll give it a try.

Also, you would not believe: remember the recent interview where I felt like the interviewer was questioning my work ethic because I said I valued work-life balance? Well shit, a few days later, the hiring manager started calling my references, and I am invited to meet next week with the head of university relations, the boss’ boss’ boss. I’m pleased.

In the evening, I was in SF attending a Tech and Philanthropy event. The event was hosted by a tech startup, so of course, the location was some super swanky rooftop terrace with catered appetizers. I chatted with a bunch of people, and I really felt inspired being surrounded by people working to solve society’s ills. I was feeling re-energized and re-affirmed about spending so much of my efforts targeting this area. I collected several cards, and I’ll be following up with those peeps.

After I got home though, things went downhill fast. Earlier in the day, I had received an email out of the blue from Verizon Wireless, stating that my account had been charged $80 this month. As I haven’t been a customer with Verizon since January 2014, I thought the email was spam, but I called to verify just in case. What I thought would be a simple 5-minute call led to a 90-minute debacle. Turns out, we have been charged for iPad data service this whole time. I didn’t receive any email notifications nor paper bills. Yes, I had seen the charge on my credit card for many months: for whatever reason, my brain just chocked it up as mobile service. I dunno. I should have caught it but I didn’t. Expensive mistake. So then I was on the phone for 90 minutes escalating the issue, talking to three reps arguing my case to get a refund for services that I never used. In the end, the most they agreed to do was credit us back half. I remember at the time, as soon as we had switched from Verizon, I lost online access to my account. Then because I was on e-bills, I never got the paper statement… which we needed for T-Mobile to pay the early termination fee. Whatever happened with that? Fell through the cracks also. T-mobile requires paperwork within 60 days of switching. Fuck. It was all too much.

When I think back to that switch, the whole process had so many bad signs. The day we switched to T-mobile, the store people were incompetent. They told us we’d get switched in 20 minutes. It turned into over two hours. They assured us that everything switched over. Now, we realize that just the two phones switched over, NOT the tablet. Then, even though they said our house had good signal, when we got home, it sucked. I had to call and argue with them to ship a signal booster. That worked and then the unit went kaput. I had to get another signal booster. Then Remy started her rapid decline, blah, blah, blah.

So when I finally got into bed last night, I just started crying hysterically. It wasn’t about the lost money. Ok, partly it was. But more than that, it was about all these details and moving parts. I’m supposed to be a great project manager. I’m supposed to be organized. When I was on the phone with T-mobile, the rep said, “All these months, your card was charged $80/month. Why are you discovering this now?” I felt so stupid and incompetent. There was no other explanation other than that I had dropped the ball. I need to own that.

Then I thought about all these things that are not getting done. I don’t cook regular meals. I discovered Marty’s infections about a month or two later than I should have. The garage is still a fucking disaster zone. I haven’t exercised in ages. I have spent zero time monitoring our investment portfolio. Sure, I stepped up at ProMatch, and I started volunteering for the environmental NGO. I’m also wanting to volunteer for the Asian Women’s Shelter. But I have so many new skills I have to learn, so many social impact talks I want to watch, so many books I have to read. I have so many follow-ups I have to do, more networking, more job applications. I suddenly felt overwhelmed. Where is my capacity? No job. No kids. No dependents, and I still can’t get my shit together. Goddamn, I sobbed like a dumbass last night. I just couldn’t stop crying.

Poor Bubbey. It was like 1:30 in the morning, and he was just trying to rest. He was slated to take me to the airport early in the morning for my trip to see G in Seattle. He suggested I take a break. Immediately. Mistakes happen. There’s a lot going on. I’m just doing too much. So I am taking this as an indication to step back and re-evaluate. Yeah, ya think?