This week is off to a rough start. On Monday, I finally got word from the environmental NGO with whom I had been interviewing since July. After four meetings, it turns out that leadership has decided to switch gears, so that position? It’s gone. Vanished. Well until 2016 or so. The CTO (Chief Tech Officer) suggested that a different role requiring different skills might arise in the meantime, so if I’m interested, let’s talk. That said, at this point, the new role is only conceptual, and the org will require quite a bit of patience from now until an actual job requisition materializes. I was pretty bummed with the news, even if the change didn’t necessarily reflect badly on my candidacy. Still. Sometimes, after facing so many rejections, it’s hard NOT to be uber dramatic and think to myself, “I will seriously never get another job again.” I know, I said I was being dramatic. Sigh.

John keeps reminding me: I’m seeking very specific jobs with very specific organizations. He’s right, but heck, just let me be a drama queen for a sec, would ya? 😉

Thankfully, the more positive side of my brain hasn’t totally died. On the plus side, after all these visits to the city for events and interviews and hustling, frankly, I was starting to re-think my target organizations. because shit, SF is frickin’ far!! So now, unless the org is walking distance to SF Caltrain, SF is a dealbreaker. I know, I just keep narrowing the field even more, but what can I say: commuting sucks and I value work-life balance. Haha. Apparently, beggars can still be choosers in my book!! So I am refocusing my energies now on the peninsula and South Bay. I mean, I’ve already expanded my net beyond philanthropy and corporate social responsibility (CSR) to include non-government orgs (NGOs), so surely, there are a shit ton of places within a 30-minute radius.

In other news, I delivered my first workshop today for ProMatch. The tech services team was asked to deliver a training on designing and creating business cards, a critical tool for job hunting. The slidedeck was pretty much already created: I just did a few content tweaks and updates, and then I reformatted to get all the font/spacing consistent. I co-presented with a veteran ProMatcher– a genius guy with a gabillion tech certifications behind his name, not to mention decades of experience working in Asia… Very nice guy, but he likes to talk. A lot. You know how I am with my tight-ass, urgent nature. Gotta be all efficient and shit. I swear impatience is my biggest flaw. Anyhow, the 2-hour session went well. We had an audience of about 14 people, and the feedback was positive. Whew! Done. I will say, this really was the first time EVER that I did not get nervous at all. I suppose all this ongoing desensitization and playing outside of my comfort zone has really paid off. Thank god I wasn’t burdened with the inconvenience of public speaking anxiety today. Yay. Very liberating.

Of course, just as I myself am conquering my anxieties, Martin is turning into an entirely different dog. Holy shit. Remember how mellow and laid back he used to be? After Reno, he did great for about a day, and then yesterday was a total disaster. Throughout the night, he abruptly got up and ran outside. He had his tail between his legs, and he was clearly freaked out about something. He was pacing around all unsettled, and then the panting and full-body trembling began. All last night, no one in the house got any sleep. This morning, I got up to prep for the presentation in the afternoon, and despite getting a few hours of rest from 9-11a, Martin again started freaking out before noon. Restless, anxious, shaking, panting. WTH??? I called the vet and left messages. Now it’s 10p, and still no call back yet. Meanwhile, I put on his ThunderShirt (same idea as swaddling a baby), tried to distract him with treats (first time he rejected food), and then even sprayed a sock with lavender and tucked it under his collar. By the time I had to leave for ProMatch, he was calming down a little, but still. This is so worrisome. John even came home from work early. Since then, Martin’s been better. If anything, I think he is physically exhausted from being so damn tense and high strung all night and day. John’s been reading about old age and senility in dogs. Symptoms include zoning out, trembling, disorientation, among other things. I really just don’t want to deal with this right now. I know Remy’s passing was many months ago, so I kind of had a break and I should be all bounced back by now. But I’m not. I feel so much dread just thinking about Martin growing old and having issues. Sigh. I know, I’m a goddamn control freak. I like want to “schedule” Martin’s aging process. I’m such a dumbass sometimes.

In general, I have to admit, I’ve been feeling a kind of baseline anxiety the last few months. I’ve lost my appetite and dropped a few pounds– not that I’m complaining. But there’s just this chronic tension. Sometimes the self-doubt comes up again. For example, with my project management abilities. Isn’t that the super skill I’ve been marketing all this time? Multi-tasking, keeping all these concurrent projects moving. And yet, dad’s condo is still not rented, my rental property repair is still not done, I have no job, and Marty’s issues are unresolved…

Tomorrow, I have a few classes. Maybe they will re-inspire me and get me back on track. I’m also exploring the consulting angle a bit… I’m meeting a fellow ProMatcher tomorrow who wanted to talk with me about his sales/marketing consulting biz. Also, remember the cowboy I’d met weeks ago who commented on my boots? He’s the GM of a local theater in San Jose. We’re meeting next week to talk about helping him market the venue and maybe work on the website… so we’ll see what happens. Gotta keep plugging away.

I recently submitted a few more apps for jobs in the South Bay. I’m actually pretty excited about this latest batch, because they feel like a strong fit for my skills and interests. I made John review my latest round (he hasn’t been subjected to this for a long while), and he actually had zero suggestions. In fact, he said my materials were a lot more compelling than before. Hurray for progress! Let’s hope I get some new bites soon.