I am back in action these days. It’s kind of funny, because I didn’t really say to myself, “I’m going to step up (even) more,” but through my actions, it seems that I somehow made a subconscious decision to say “yes” more often. I mean, not all the time and not to everything, but definitely more than usual. For example, last June, I took an “Uncover Your Calling” class. It was 12 weeks long, and boy was that class intense: there was a ton of homework and exercises to “discover my true self.” There were class presentations and all kinds of uncomfortable exercises in front of a small group. I distinctly remember feeling frustrated at the end of the class, because I felt like I hadn’t progressed. Things were still unclear, and I was still dissatisfied with who I was and what I was going to do with my life. One part of our self discovery process though included personality tests and the like. Actually, that was my favorite element out of everything, because I am obsessed with punching in short answers to a series of questions and then being presented with some kind of immediate answer.  For some reason, it makes me think of gumball machines– slide in a couple of coins and out comes the toy! Of course, in typical VG fashion, once I got the answer, I was unhappy with who it had determined me to be. I know, this is the problem with being an overthinker. I am never satisfied.

Long story short, I got ESTJ from the personality test last year.  The ESTJ is basically described as an administrator: someone who likes to get shit done and manage people and processes. To be honest, much of the description was accurate, but I dunno. It sounded like a boring person to me. I mean, who wants to be an administrator when the other options are so much more interesting: “architect” or “scientist” or “artisan” or “explorer,” you know? I didn’t like the answer, so I retook the test. Like 13 times. 12/13 yielded the same results. Sigh. The single outlier was ISTJ: practical, fact-minded, reliable. Still, incredibly bor-ring! But whatever. At the time, I just sighed loudly and acquiesced. I am what I am.

Fast forward one year, and I was asked by the instructor of the class to demo the presentation/brainstorming exercise to her current students. This involved sharing a one-page document that described “my essence.” I had developed this file for the class last year and presented it then. Now, I was to present it again and then solicit feedback from the audience on how, on learning these things about me, they might advise/suggest that I proceed to uncover new opportunities that jive with me. I thought about revising the one-pager, but I didn’t really have time. Nonetheless, I did take the opportunity to redo a few personality tests. Haha.

Whaddaya fucking know?? My personality changed!!! From ESTJ (Every strawberry tastes juicy) to ESFJ (Ewoks savor fruity jam). Holy crap, I’ve become much more of a feeler than a thinker, it seems… Here’s the description. It’s kinda scary how spot on it is. Now I don’t know what to think. I guess I’ll call it a lateral move. Hmph! 😛

But back to my earlier point. So I went to the current class and presented. Very nerve-wracking still to talk about myself to five strangers for ten minutes. But I got ‘er done. I must admit: had teach asked me a year ago, I would have declined. I mean, come on, it’s just too much. Enough to do it for my own class, but to do it again?

But like John says, now I’m turning into a classic California granola hippie. I’ve been thinking a bit about karma. I mean, these people are taking the class because to some extent, they are dissatisfied with life and seeking alternative ways of living. If my brief period of discomfort helps them achieve clarity in some way, is it really a huge deal? It doesn’t really seem like THAT much to ask. So I did it. The people in the class were… interesting. One person was clearly stuck, walled in by her own hangups about what defines success. I know, sound familiar? If anything, I suppose my demo helped my instructor in some small way. I imagine it’s pretty challenging to work with people who are frustrated and dissatisfied (albeit taking action). Whatevs. Maybe the universe will appreciate my small gesture.

Similarly, at ProMatch, my team co-leaders invited me to observe one of their meetings. By the end, I realized that they were actively recruiting me to join them! Again, a few months ago, absolutely not. But now, as I’ve gotten to know them better, I can see that several co-leaders are dedicating waaay too much time to the organization. They’ve politely asked for help, but no one ever pipes up. So I agreed to join and help. I know, now I am sucked into two additional meetings per week, plus I’ll have added responsibilities to facilitate some team meetings and training workshops. I’m such a sucker. And as soon as I did that, John suggested it was a bad idea given all the time I was already pouring into ProMatch. But I’m trying to adopt a more positive perspective on this. I mean, I absolutely loathe meetings, but they really are so much a part of the working world. So I reasoned that I’ve already been spared about a year’s worth of meetings. When I eventually do get a job, I’m going to have to deal with them again, so I might as well start wetting my feet. I know, I can rationalize ANYTHING, right? Well, cross my fingers. Hopefully, there really are some leadership growth opportunities with this experience… As they say at ProMatch, I’m going to “step into my magnificence.”