I’ve been feeling super fatigued lately. Over the Memorial Day holiday weekend, I slept a shitload. My body just felt so damn tired. I know, when most people hear about me sleeping a ton, they suspect depression, which I suppose is possible but dayum, I hope it’s unlikely. I was feeling so physically tired, like my body just could not move, like my body couldn’t even climb out of bed. Maybe some of this makes sense, because I’ve had trouble sleeping again lately: I’ve been staying up really late working or reading or just thinking… John’s snoring is not getting any better, and on top of that, he’s been having some pretty serious back pain.

Why are we broken? Are we so fragile that a few years shy of 40, we’re already riddled with such ailments? It just doesn’t seem right. Have we gotten soft, or were we were always this feeble? WTF is going on??

At times, I feel so full of determination and resolve, you know? Like I’m going to figure this shit out, and I’m going to hustle like nobody’s business to find clarity, strive for success, and attain fulfillment. And then, I suffer a few setbacks, and I lose momentum. After a few days, the cycle starts again. Up and down, up and down. Jesus, and I consider myself to be a pretty reliable and steady person. But lately, I’ve been thinking again about this feeling of squandered privilege.  I’m trying so hard to get this right, to live my life with purpose and intention, to not have any regrets, but where am I headed and on what schedule??? I’m moving in a direction; yet, every damn day my patience and faith (in the process) is tested. What is the problem here? Not enough confidence? Poor self perception? No self awareness? Lack of resiliency? And as I write this, it becomes clear that self-doubt is the common theme with all of this. Surely, the problem is me, right? Not smart enough; not competent enough; not polished enough; not talented enough; not hungry enough… I know, are you sick of the broken record yet? I recognize the pattern; I am aware of the onslaught that so often follows the setbacks. And goddamnit, I really should know better. After all, I’ve read all those books on personal growth and development. Confidence and courage are so damn critical; yet, I find these qualities to be as fleeting as they are important. Is this some insane, torturous mind game I just keep playing with myself?

Last week, I vowed to “sell the house” a la Carolyn in American Beauty. I stepped up my game. I reached out to new people, to old people, to more people, with better strategy and more gumption. Some replied (yay!); others didn’t. I know, it was a holiday weekend: maybe people are still getting caught up, but tomorrow will be a week later. It’s a numbers game, I remind myself.  I comb through my contacts spreadsheet; I research more; I study more; I keep plugging. But I still falter, why?

Last week, I was reminded of death again. An acquaintance who had acquired a horse less than one year ago, lost him suddenly, after a freak accident forced her to put him down. It’s a tragedy that tells me to count my blessings and be grateful for each day. That UCSB incident? Again, life is so damn precious. I don’t really fear death, but I fear untapped potential. Every day, I feel a pressure to be true to myself, to live authentically, to “make things count.” I feel rushed, and I don’t know how to balance that with the mindfulness and meditation. That’s the irony in all this, right? I seek peace and yet, time is so finite and there is no time to lose. So what’s the strategy? Appreciation and enjoyment in the now; satisfaction in the ongoing journey; faith that the path will lead where it needs to go. Baby steps, patience, and perseverance. Sounds simple. Ugh, I really gotta Andy Dufrense that shit. (Holy crap, I just realized that YouTube has EVERYTHING!!) And btw, I don’t really watch that much tv: clearly, all the films I reference are from the late 1990s. Shrug. Nose back to the grindstone.