I have a feeling I’m going to be a bit moody this week. This morning, I received notice that I didn’t proceed to the next round for a county job, for which I interviewed last week. I am realizing that my intuition is surprisingly accurate: I didn’t have a great gut feeling about the panel interview: I didn’t sell myself as well as I had in the past. It’s all good. I’s already been feeling a little bit like government culture isn’t the best match for me… Still, my competitive streak wishes I would have advanced in the game… you know, kept all the options on the table with only me to take them off. Ah well, cut my losses I suppose.

I was in SF this morning for another informational interview. I continue to meet really cool people, and goddamn, whoever invented this info interview concept is genius. I mean, really. It is so much more informative regarding culture and fit– which matters more to me than nearly all else. Today was my first time visiting a co-working space: my sense is actually that the environment is potentially distracting. I dunno.

Interestingly, when I registered at the reception, the dude complimented my red F21 pleather jacket. Haha. He said it channeled Michael Jackson. Not a fan of the MJ, but I am a fan of compliments. Made me happy. That little jacket… best $45 ever spent in terms of attracting attention. The guys love it for some reason.

So after my meeting, I schlepped all over the city: I ran some errands at the mall and then figured I would clock in some steps by skipping BART and hopping directly onto Caltrain. Road construction and several pedestrian detours later, I found that I had missed the train and goddamn, it was a windy day. I made a pitstop at Panera because by then, I was windblown, starving, tired (my bag had started digging into my shoulders), and sweaty as hell. I plunked all my shit down at a table, and my entire back was wet from sweat. Ugh, disgusting. And I suddenly felt so deflated. When am I going to find my place– not just job-wise but world-wise? I try to keep my spirits up, but lately, I’ve really wondered whether I am made for this world. I mean, don’t freak out: I’m not talking death or anything but geez, why is this process taking so long? And even though my life is relatively easy, why do so many things feel so hard? Like all this hustling. And then to maintain all the outward appearances too? Like looking professional and polished and shit. So much work!!

I mean, I didn’t even wear my fancy shoes today. When I finally do bust those babies out, how the hell am I going to shuttle in and out of the city while also carrying my load of crap? Someone really needs to invent beautiful TRULY COMFORTABLE, WALKABLE shoes that look swanky. For real. I mean, is the answer that I’m supposed to lug around my sneakers or flip flops and change?? Wtf??

Speaking of primping, I’m on another Pinterest kick, trying to get some new style inspiration and such. I recently came across contouring, and I am super fascinated. Admittedly, I have mild image issues, so this idea of “plastic surgery with makeup” is piquing my curiosity. Mostly, I’m drawn to the luminance: these women just have a glow… I think it’s pretty amazing, so I’m going to give it a try. Just got some bronzer today at Nordie Rack. Of course, John is skeptical. He thinks contouring may have great results for the camera, but maybe it’ll be too strong for real life. Well, beggars can’t be choosers: I would love to look fab in one realm or the other: real life OR on camera. Haha. The online tutorials make it look so ridiculously easy. I know. My self-projects are endless. Can’t help it. Sigh.