Well, since my last “woe is me” post, a lot has happened to help me climb out of my new year’s pit. First, we got some rain in the Bay Area, which is much needed. Second, Bubbey recovered from his sickness, and third, I had my Dumpling Happy Hour (CNY Do-Over) on Tuesday night. The group was much smaller than what was anticipated for the original bash, but the party was still a success! My bud even took this artsy pic of my dumplings, hand crafted with love!

I had my first call with my career coach. She helped me realize that I was doing a lot of catastrophic thinking these days, particularly with regard to my job hunt. I was feeling all lame like no one saw anything I had to offer, and at the end of her questioning, I came to see that yes, I’ve only seriously started applying for jobs that I want (communications officer spots in the social good sector) since the start of January. And I WAS sick for 3+ weeks, so… All in all, I had only submitted FIVE applications. Yet all along, as I was conducting all these info interviews, somehow I had convinced myself that those people should have been so impressed by me that they should have wanted to work with me… I know, even though the info interview was always really couched as an opportunity for me to just learn more about their work and their jobs. Confidence issues. I had turned it into this entire thing about me not being compelling enough…

So thankfully, my coach set me straight by pointing out the ridiculousness of my logic. In fact, I even felt a little embarrassed afterwards. Just goes to show you how even a generally level-headed, logical person can get herself twisted into these spiraling predicaments. John is especially thankful that I am working with A, because in many ways, she reiterates what he’s been telling me the whole time, but you know, sometimes you just have to hear it from the outside. He’s feeling redeemed. 🙂

I had a really good info interview on Monday with a woman who had done over 70 info interviews over a period of five years. Yes, five years ago, she started a new job and within a few months of starting, she knew it was the wrong fit. So for the next five years, she did all this self work and exploration and finally, she landed somewhere good. Now she works for a social good/philanthropy consulting firm. I was encouraged to hear her story– to see her perseverance. Later that day, I also received an email from a guy who used to work at my former place. He was a super duper rockstar, and he emailed me that his new place of employment (up in Sonoma) was hiring a communications person, and he thought I’d be great for the job. His message just really made my day. I don’t have my horse just yet, so we don’t have plans to move up to Sonoma until then, but goddamn, I felt really touched that he liked this idea of us working together again. 🙂

So my assignments for the week are to continue info interviews and job apps (maybe even consider writing “pain letters” instead of cover letters) and then to work on some coping strategies: daily meditation, a bit of cognitive behavioral therapy to combat negative thoughts, and more uke.

Yesterday, I got some great news also. I got a call for a phone interview with one of the foundations next Monday!! Yeehaw!! So I have a few days to prep and obsess. I know, don’t put all my eggs in one basket, but hey, I’m thrilled to get a bite.

In other news, Remy’s still not doing so great. This morning she had another episode. They are so strange: always in the morning, always right after she starts eating. She’ll suddenly stop eating, stumble down the hall into the bedroom, lie down, start panting, and then the wailing begins. Just 10 seconds and then it’s over. I don’t know what the hell is going on. I’ve described it to the vet a bunch of times, and it’s still just not clear whether it’s a seizure or what. Could be cancer, could be pain from arthritis, could be neurological degeneration. Today, her body was actually tense rather than limp like usual. Her front paw was totally extended and stressed, and in the process, she squeezed out a few dumplings. My poor baby. But then after she sleeps a bit, she’s back to walking around every now and then searching for snacks.

I spoke with the vet two days ago, and this guy is just a total realist. He was like that two years ago when he first saw Remy for her doggie vertigo (which now they actually call a stroke). He just uses blunt language that you know, reminds me that the end is near. He told me she’s basically in palliative care now, so we can tweak the meds to try and make her more comfortable, but she’ll never be back to where she was… the body is degenerating. The thing is, I’ve known this for a long time, and yet, I don’t know: it’s like I fool myself into thinking otherwise. I just don’t know how I’m going to let her go. I know she’s lived a good, long life, but she’s still so soft and her eyes still watch me when I move about the room… Ugh. The doctor said when his dog got really old, the same thing happened: the back end just couldn’t move. The front end was still lucid, but she was a dog that loved to run and go outside. Then she started peeing and pooping on herself, and he could just see that she was no longer happy. I have to remember that, and everyday I have to ask myself if she’s still happy.