I’m struggling a bit today. I had another night of shitty sleep… I thought all my insomnia woes would disappear after leaving the job, but I dunno. I guess I’m always worrying about something. But I woke up this morning determined to make some inroads today. I’m still pushing these leads for the ranch, and then I went back to the job hunt. The last few people I’ve contacted about informational interviews haven’t responded. I know, it’s a holiday week, so people are probably running around crazy. But I dunno. I guess I just kinda needed a bite.

I’m a little bummed, because I’m sensing that the horse thing is not really going to be sustainable long-term. As John keeps saying, it’s not something you do for the money. The numbers just don’t add up. And I think going into this, I knew that but now I’m feeling a little disappointed by the reality, even if it doesn’t come as a surprise.

I am enjoying working my brain a different way, doing some light sales and trying to come across convincing and such. The people so far have been nice, but in the end, it really is all about the conversions. I spent a little bit of time combing through job postings this afternoon… I just don’t feel jazzed about anything in the usual tech/web content space. I wonder if maybe I just haven’t come across the right opportunity, but what if there isn’t a right opportunity? I’ve been searching for so long.

And John is getting increasingly stressed and unhappy with his work. I feel like it’s time to get back to living IRL (in real life), you know? I’m a little defeated today. And I made the stupid mistake of looking at Facebook’s and LinkedIn’s recommended connections: All these people who have it all figured out. Fuck.

I didn’t call my parents this week. I mean, they haven’t been pressuring me, but it’s almost like a conditioned response  I have. Like I anticipate that the job situation will come up, and then I just stress that I have nothing new to report. Three months after leaving, I have nothing that makes a living. And then with the upcoming holidays… everyone is going to be asking me what I’m doing. If I had kids, unpaid work would be an acceptable response. Ugh, I’m falling into that destructive spiral again about expectations and self worth and life purpose.

On the bright side, I went out this afternoon and got ingredients for Thanksgiving. Every year we host a party, but this year is kinda quiet. I think we just want to be alone with each other. I’m going to try and do a modest dinner. And tonight I’m trying a new recipe as well. Thank goodness my buddy G turned me on to Skinnytaste. The recipes are actually doable for my level, and stuff comes out tasty! Well, I’d better get cooking: John will be home soon.