So I reached my “30 days of meditation” milestone this week, and no sooner than creating this new habit do I nearly lose my shit today. For reals. All day, John was just in a weird mood. Wishy washy, I couldn’t hear him, he was going to get his haircut then he was going to go to the gym. None of it happened. I guess neither one of us wanted to make decisions today.

To his credit, he did pick a place for lunch. Interestingly, while we were there, service was super slow and then suddenly, we heard all this glass crashing in the kitchen and a waitress started yelling at this guy. “Fuck you , fuck you, fuck you!” As she headed for the door, she threw something else on the ground, threw the menus all over… it was quite the scene. I know, foreshadowing right? This was a new place for us too: the eggs bennies were great, but the famed blueberry banana pancakes were disappointing.

Afterwards, we walked around and then when we got home, John crashed on the couch. For like 3 hours. I know he had a long week, so fine, whatever. I don’t care: I did some work (read an RFP) and watched a movie (Ex-Girlfriends, which was lame). When he woke up, he wanted to go for a walk and then just as we were nearly out the door, I discovered the pineapple had rotted through onto my tablecloth. So I grabbed a wet rag and detergent and started wiping. Yes, a little OCD but an added 2 minutes tops. We went to the park with the dogs and then when I got home again, I started thinking about cooking dinner. And everything I asked him, the answer was “I don’t know.” Then he went out for a walk. Wtf is his problem??? I was pissed. So I just started madly making shit: Looked up “lentil pressure cooker” and then just executed on the butternut squash black bean enchilada recipe in front of me. Maybe we were just mismatched with our activities that we wanted to do today. I dunno, but his going for a walk got me fuming. And then as I prepped and threw shit into the pressure cooker, I managed to knock the lid off which in turn crashed a full glass of water onto the floor. Just my luck, the glass shattered into a gabillion fucking pieces. And with the dogs, I had to get that shit cleaned up immediately. Ugh. A ton of paper towels later and then lugging that damn Dyson into every little crevice… I just was not in the mood.

The thing is, when I ask a question, please give me a clear, audible response. If a decision cannot be made at that time, then TELL ME that AND tell me to make all the decisions for the next 2 hours or whatever. I can’t hear over the goddamn muttering.

That’s fine. I can make decisions but next time, you had better fucking take over. I don’t live alone, I don’t have the luxury of thinking ONLY of myself, so fucking participate in the partnership and share the decision-making responsibilities, you know?

I’m super frustrated today. Another recent example: the Harvest Festival is this weekend. I was going to go this weekend. He was ok to go, but didn’t seem excited or anything. This morning, a friend texted to do something, so I asked if he wanted to go to the Festival with me or if I should go with my friend. He replied that he could go with me, but if I want to go with my friend, that’s ok too. Um, I just want to know if you WANT to go. If yes, then I will go with you. If no, then I will go with my friend. I know you COULD go. Jesus Christ. Don’t give me this indecisive, I could go either way bullshit. I hate that. And this is a frustration I have with friends too. When deciding what to do with them, I almost always give three choices. I fucking narrowed it down to three, now just decide from that shortlist, you know? Argh!! But no, people will just dilly dally around, pushing the decision back and forth, back and forth. Fucking drives me insane. It’s like, if you want me to decide, then YOU give me three options. It’s called balanced engagement and participation.

Yeah, clearly I am in a bad mood today. And oddly, this is the first time in probably a month even that I am cranky as hell. Stay away if you know what’s good for you.